you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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