the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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