I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
