My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
false alarm, still single
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