i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
