You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
