Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
