Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
