cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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