Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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