I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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