Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
