Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
