I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
