I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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