It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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