I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
A+ Viking dick
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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