So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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