smell my finger.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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