I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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