I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
