I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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