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Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
