I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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