she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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