dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
