whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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