Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
