so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
