weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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