I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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