My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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