im six kinds of drunk right now
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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