Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
