Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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