From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
