I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
