So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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