i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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