Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
