i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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