i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
