i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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