how can u be prego again
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
