he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
