Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
