i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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