so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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