Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
