omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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