tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
please come you make the beer taste better
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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