you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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