I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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