My cat gives me a boner
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
