look no pants
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
